


Just Take a Breath, Love

by Yanyan (IvoicelessI)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling out, Internalized Homophobia, Kageyama Tobio is a Good Friend, M/M, Pining, the author regrets everything (sorta), there's fluff i swear, yamaguchi is a sweetheart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:41:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27325975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvoicelessI/pseuds/Yanyan
Summary: At the age of eleven, on the day Tsukishima was given a new annoying nickname - he realised what it'll take to lose him.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 108





	Just Take a Breath, Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is a reminder to /love yourself/. 
> 
> This is a story of what ifs. What if Yamaguchi was the one who confessed first? What if he needs to slip himself away from Tsukishima's life to leave room for growth? What if Tsukishima wasn't so strong? What then? 
> 
> Canonically speaking, it is impossible to separate these two idiots from each other (Ilovethem.jpg). But realistically, all of us are humans who sometimes need time to heal and to recover. Never quit however rest when you need to. There's beauty in getting back up and forgiving yourself.
> 
> Also this takes place on their first years and I would like to emphasize that I do /not/ condone underage sex. What you are about to read on the beginning isn't actually taking place and is just a figment of Tadashi's fantasies. He's...a growing boy with desires and that's normal. Said just in case you didn't understood the very short words pertaining that below~
> 
> Also, also! Lastly, title taken from the ever magnificent Gabrielle Aplin and JP Cooper's collaborative song, "Losing Me".
> 
> Enjoy and take care of yourself!

"Tsukki!" Yamaguchi beams with an angelic smear through his freckled chubby cheeks.

At the age of eleven, on the day Tsukishima was given a new annoying nickname - he realised what it'll take to lose him.

Maybe he was too young, maybe he was too scared of what it could mean - but even then, he knew something so small, so far from fickle will always be a hand that gave their friendship warmth and security.

"Tsukki." Yamaguchi whines now, since Tsukishima won't move from his spot nor give him the reaction he wants.

It was Tadashi's loyalty and affections for him. This weird nickname that slowly began to be the only rope that Kei could hold on to - to realise they're still the person the other considers as his  _ own _ . As friends.

But he really was too young….too scared...

  
  
  
  


Yamaguchi was always Tsukishima's exception.

Is it because of his Best Friend brand? The way his bright grin speeds the runner between Kei's ribs, when the warmth in his gentle tone cuts off the beast reeling to release chaos and wreak havoc on anyone who so much as shows the slightest weakness? Maybe. Who knows…

All Kei knows is that if he doesn't get to hear his name dripping from those chapped lips - it'll feel like he's lost something he's taken for granted.

Yamaguchi….he will always be his exception. Because Kei needs him. 

And he doesn't know how to stress that enough.

" _ Kei…." _ Yamaguchi's low voice echoes like wet sin on its apex. He knows how much he has control over him, the blonde. How letting him hear moaning his fucking name, letting him know how his hands has touched just the right places, sensitive - it all drives Kei into  _ desperation _ . 

" _ Mmh, ah….don't stop _ ." Yamaguchi's breaths were heated and his thighs were trembling. When Kei kisses his cheek and curls his long, slender fingers inside him - Yamaguchi's voice breaks. 

"Right there, Tadashi…?" He knows the shorter boy would've slapped a pillow over Kei's smug smirking face if he actually wasn't coming apart on his sheets right now.

Weak and soft. 

Yamaguchi Tadashi knows who's the boy who took a run for his heart. So he asks the thief, 

"Tsukki...am I enough? Do I please you? Do you love me?"

The thief. He was so arrogant and wistful. "I love you.

"….more than you think."

And Yamaguchi smiles like a fool - everytime. His chest is so warm with sugar and the lightness like that of roses. Tsukki is always so sweet in his mind, in his imagination. Always so accommodating without being out of character - that he returns Yamaguchi's feelings too. Because Yamaguchi likes him - a lot. He really, really does.

Kei wouldn't mind, right? If he confesses...he wouldn't hurt him. 

He wouldn't hurt the one person he stole from.

  
  
  


"...excuse me?"

And then it all falls to this. 

It starts like any Friday, they went to practice, blocked and served balls until their arms felt the burn of exhaustion, went home first out of all the first years because Yamaguchi claimed he'd like to treat Tsukki with this new sweet cake this bakery had recently advertised and like all Fridays and Tuesdays and sometimes Saturdays, Kei agrees with a calm expression.

Of course Yamaguchi did plan to take him out after. However….right now, let's just give him this. The atmosphere right to console his nerves, the evening light hushing the anxious ideas in his brain. The words to say he can do this. He can do this and he will.

So he stops him on the streets of an empty park, the chilly breeze making his cowlick dance and Tsukki's eyes less cold. 

And then he stutters it out loud.

_ Tsukishima Kei. You're a really great person! And-and, um, I like calling you Tsukki because I personally like doing it. You already know that....And I wish until we're old and growing grey hairs, I can still call you Tsukki too. In a way….in a different way. I'd really like it if I could….be-because I…..like you...more than a friend. Is that okay? Will you let me take care of you?  _

_ I like you, Tsukki. I really, really do. Is that okay? _

"...excuse me?

Honestly, Yamaguchi has gone through a lot in his fifteen years of life. Hurt and discomfort was supposed to be something ordinary.

But you'll  _ never _ know how much pain he has to endure, how he has to wish he'll cry about this later, alone, under his sheets, where the world can't keep pushing and pulling him to places he doesn't want to anymore, whether he tried or not - with the way Tsukishima's handsome face morphs into repulsion, the clear downturn of his lips telling him how he's just like the rest of them. Like the rest...

Since when was Yamaguchi Kei's exception? Really?

"Yamaguchi. You're gay?"

He wants to save the situation. Even through the knives in his heart and the cold sweat dripping down his back, he wants to save himself from so much more pain and uneasiness. "Tsukki…?"

So small. Weak and soft.

Kei laughs. It wasn't funny. Kei laughs and every second dragged, Yamaguchi wishes he can curl away and bury himself. Somewhere okay. Somewhere lonely.

Kei wouldn't hurt him…

"You shouldn't hurt me." Tadashi smiles through the wetness in his eyes. "Then it's really not okay?"

"Let's just go home, Yamaguchi." Kei waves a dismissing hand. After all that laughing, he suddenly sounds and looks tired. "Let's pretend we never had….whatever this is."

"........okay."

_ You're just tired and your mind isn't probably doing so well.  _ Tadashi thinks he hears Tsukki say and other things too but it's all blurry like beneath the waters. He tries to talk but it's too difficult to cut off the lump in his throat and eventually Tsukki gets bored with the silence and puts on his headphones.

It's done. And just like that, Yamaguchi's words and feelings are swept under the rug.

He tells himself to cry under the sheets, alone, where no one can see, once more just so Kei can't have the privilege of seeing those tears stream down now.

He'll only make him more uncomfortable.

  
  
  
  


Kei knows he's a dick.

He's an asshole but then what's so new about that? Everybody who has spent half an hour with him can already tell he has a sharp tongue that can either pull out a whimper or a series of dry comebacks from you.

So what?

So what if he has hurt you? So what if he has made a very important person resolve themselves into a puddle of blood on the cemented pavements near their homes? He's made him feel like a fool, like a worthless individual with a boring character and horrible taste in potential partners.

Even as he ate through dinner with his usual monotone expression and blurred out the chatter of his mother - he refused to fall from where he stands on aching feet. When all he could think about was Yamaguchi. When he can't stop looking back at how he looked that night. The moonlight has hidden his freckles so well but Tsukishima could still see it.

Yamaguchi likes him.

When he's wet with the pools of shower water and his blonde hair damps on his head, a lean figure stands still.

Kei raised a hand and slapped himself.  
  


This is how their story starts.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He is beautiful.

That's one thing Kei has sometimes thought of whenever he steals a glance at a babbling Tadashi and always as he looks into his unaware and genuine eyes. It's the dots of freckles, the kindness that he usually finds irritating if it were other people, and his resilience. 

It's the way he speaks so firmly to reprimand Kei, how strong he is when he fights for something. It's his endearing shyness and his bluntness when he likes something. It's-

Stop.

...stop. This isn't how Kei should be thinking even as he stares at the bubbly boy talking to Hinata across the room. With a damp towel hanging over his neck, and elbows digging lightly on his knees - Kei schools an aggravated expression. 

"Are you okay, Tsukishima-san?" A mousy, high-pitched voice says nearby.

And then it all falls back.

Breathe...Kei inhales. His face grows into its usual sternness. He says something to Yachi and then he calls Yamaguchi's name.

Tadashi's face breaks into a happy grin, "Tsukki!" And he excuses himself from Hinata and jogs his way towards his best friend (Kei absolutely does  _ not  _ think how adorable it is when Yamaguchi's cowlick bounces like that). 

"Let's get McDonalds later." Kei says in a casual, quiet tone. 

"You called Yamaguchi all the way here for that?" Ennoshita comments near the blonde, proceeding to drink his bottle of water

"Oooh, McDonalds? Do I hear a FREE MEAL?"

"Ahhh, Noya I don't think you should cut in with their free time together like that…"

"What? It's not like it's their date-"

"Ooh lala~" Tanaka wiggles.

"Yuck! Yamaguchi can't date  _ Tsukishima _ . It would be too much bitterness in one relationship."

"Dumbass has a point." Kageyama sips his carton of milk through Hinata's nods. "Yamaguchi deserves better."

"Now, now since when do we have the right to say who's supposed to date who. Personally, I think I like Yamaguchi with Kageyama-"

"Suga, you can't actually pick favors, you know that."

Suga simply sends Daichi a flat stare.

Just as the rest of the team keeps yammering and shipping their teammates, Kei lightly takes Yamaguchi's hand. When Yamaguchi turns to look at him, he nudges his head at the exit and Tadashi smiles all sincere again.

Quietly, the pair of friends sneak away into the afternoon. A free meal was given indeed - but only for Yamaguchi. Kei doesn't mind the light weight of his wallet at all.

He doesn't give a shit about his teammates' words at first either. He never thinks about it as he ate. It feels passing, like the rest of his time spent in volleyball. 

And even as he used up a lot of hours in their table, listening in to what Tadashi has to say, lets him know his own opinions in return, and maybe start a monologue about the prehistoric artifacts documentary he watched last night -

All he can see is Yamaguchi.

Even until that night, all he thinks about is the green haired boy and the way he starts to get sleepy listening to Kei and his ramble but kept such a fighting spirit. And then the rest of his team's words too, they're-

Dating. Huh. If Kei dated Yamaguchi, if he gets to kiss those lips all the time, any time he wants. If he can run his hands through his hair, his back, say "I really, really think you're beautiful, Yamaguchi".........

Kei doesn't want it.

He feels the anger burning hotly in his heart until he falls asleep.

  
  
  


That was, of course, a thing in their past. A constant flashback. Kei wishes it was as light-hearted now. It wasn't easy but compared to the heaviness currently - it was definitely easier.

  
  
  


It was now the day after his confession and if Kei could sleep - Yamaguchi couldn't.

Kei takes note of the dark circles under his eyes, the bags hanging like the weight of nightmares during closed lids. 

It was awkward….to say the least. Yamaguchi doesn't exactly avoid Kei but he isn't all bright grins and twinkling stares either. There's coldness on Kei's skin where Yamaguchi's touch usually lingers and his hesitant feet are walking on tightrope - everywhere Tadashi goes, it's always a step away from Kei.

He ignores the swelling in his heart. 

He made Yamaguchi cry himself to sleep….

"Tsukishima nice serve!"

"Daichi, nice receive!"

"Hinata, dumbass!"

Everything will carry out okay. Daichi leads the court, Yamaguchi's serves were weaker, his speed sluggish and his perceptive thinking wasn't at its finest. He gets to eat the ball on the last practice game-

"Yamaguchi!"

Kei grits his teeth. His eyes were blank - it never leaves his person's face and Kei's hand twitches but this goddamn body stays glued to the floor. He looks and he notices the small trembles the fastest among the rest.

"Yamaguchi-kun, are you okay?"

"Ahhh, yeah. Sorry everyone…"

Kei never comforts him. He never spares a tender brush on his hip like he sometimes does when Yamaguchi is upset. He doesn't say a word, he doesn't even come close to him unless he's chasing the ball within the court.

And then Yamaguchi left. 

Kei doesn't ask, doesn't suggest waiting for him. He just lets him walk away with unconsoled shoulders.

Kei knows he's angry. Yamaguchi's furious and feels a dead weight looming over his back like a ghost. And he's hiding the anger more smoothly than the hurt, but still the blonde can pick it out as easily as it was to long for his name.

For some reason, frustration and wrath simmers within Kei's stomach and it floods his system with such unwanted ease.

He feels like punching steel.

"What are you doing, Tsukishima." A deep baritone murmurs quietly behind him. 

Like he knows what's going on too. Tch.

"Go kiss Hinata's ass now before it falls on the floor again, Kageyama." Kei raises a hand and rubs his shoulder, swinging it around a bit. Like practice was hard.

"You're usually smart about this." Kageyama's wistful stare barely flinched even if Hinata and Yachi were closing up just a few feet away from them. "You're smart with Yamaguchi."

Kei chuckles. He doesn't give a fuck if he got away with sounding less bitter. "Am I really supposed to take a sermon from a guy who can't even make friends till his first year in high school?"

"Oi-"

"Don't make comments about my life because you know shit."

"I know that you're in love with him."

Kei swings back so fast at Kageyama, he has a hand curled on the raven's collar before Kageyama can prepare himself to exhale.

"Say that again." He sneers with the pure toxicity of venom lacing the gravel in his tone. Kei's hand was heavily tight on Kageyama's shirt and his whole body felt teetering over the edge - but it's been like that the whole afternoon. After Yamaguchi-

"Say that again like you know exactly what's going on between us." Kei spits as the embers in his eyes light up his virile face alight.

"I know that you have feelings for him and I don't understand what's wrong with you when you keep letting him go. There's-"

"Wrong with me? You know me so well, don't you, idiot? Better than myself-"

"I know better what it feels like to be afraid!" Kageyama spits back on his face, finally the shackles in his limbs are being raised. But it wasn't animalistic, more like to defy the pulls of gravity. "I know how terrifying it is to come in terms with it. And I know it's worse because it's Yamaguchi. And you're scared of what will happen, if you'll get to have something better with him or lose him because of your bullshit and the people around you. And I know how much that would bruise you, deeper than any insults you can think of to call yourself  _ or  _ to drive Yamaguchi away. It's not about ego, Tsukishima. It's about the fucking people you're allowed to have to be fucking happy!"

"Hey, s-stop! Tsukishima-san, Kageyama-san!" Yachi's scared voice makes an appearance somewhere at the doors.

"Huh? Yachi, what's going on out there!?" They hear Hinata echo inside the gym.

"You know how it'll feel when he's finally gone." Kageyama's dark blue eyes were pools of winter introspection. "Then you'll know what losing finally feels."

Something breaks off within Kei and golden brown eyes just look at the solemnity of Kageyama's expression…

And then he lets him go with a slight shove.

"I'm off." Kei announces flatly. With the weight of Atlas on his shoulders, he grabs his bag and throws his Karasuno jacket over his shoulder. 

"Tsukishima…." Yachi watches the blonde tredge away into the street. It seems like the air tastes like an aftermath of wounds and scars.

When has that ever resolved anything?

  
  
  


It was a deeper layer of hell on the next sunrise and Kei feels like he's walking barefoot on stones and needles. It's exhausting before it even begins.

"Tsukki."

Still Kei turns his gaze on Yamaguchi. 

"Can we talk?" His smile was small, almost musing. 

Kei doesn't think about dodging - he's not a coward. But his heart starts beating faster and then his head is tilting, saying, "Sure."

It was lunch and they naturally strolled out of the classroom. They linger behind a blooming cherry blossom tree near the back of a school building to sort it out.

"How are you feeling…?" Yamaguchi's eyebrows dip but his face is still so kind, so understanding even if Kei was worse of a monster these past few days. "I heard you got a fight with Kageyama yesterday."

And Kei swallows air. 

He doesn't know what to think of the feeling tossing and turning in his chest. That Yamaguchi knows...that he's restless and useless when it comes to him.

"The King pretended to be smart and I didn't know if I should laugh or pity him." Kei shifts his gaze away. "Honestly I think knocking some sense into him would probably bring more brain damage than letting it nurture."

"Do you want to tell me what it was all about?"

And sweat starts to form in the blonde's hands. "What do you want to hear, Yamaguchi."

"The truth. Tsukki, don't you think I deserve a proper answer? I don't want to hear about it from Yachi or Kageyama or anyone else. The only words that matter would be yours."

I love you.

I want to be there for you, through thick or thin. I would fight for you because you mean the most to me and everything you do is endearing and fulfilling. Your mannerisms are always cute and when it's hard - you were always there. But this isn't about me. I just love everything about you. 

I love you….more than you know.

Is that it?

"I don't think of you that way, Yamaguchi." Kei exhales, rubbing the space between his eyes for a second before piercing Yamaguchi with a final look. "I don't want to waste my time with you. I don't want to  _ be _ with you because I don't care about you. Never in the way you'd want for a long time now."

Tsukishima Kei, you motherfucking liar.

And Yamaguchi just….sighs. With a smile and closing eyes, he asks, "Am I a disturbance then?"  _ For being who I am? _

Kei misses the hidden message.

"....Yeah."

Go to hell, Kei.

Yamaguchi nods. And then he lets himself unveil the color of his weightless eyes and Kei feels a little bit sick. Uneasy. 

"Gomen, Tsukki."

Kei doesn't see his clenched fist behind his back - he just looks at the firmness on Yamaguchi's face. How his lips weren't pale nor as pink as they were on warm days. "Gomen. I'll try not to annoy you or disturb you once more."

Kei doesn't think of how this conversation will end. He just wants to go back and get this day over with. Maybe get rid of some of the stress through physical exertion through volleyball practice. But he's not a coward. He won't leave Yamaguchi in the dirt again. It's better to talk about this anyway.

"Thank you." Yamaguchi's voice was sincere. "For allowing me to understand."

The uneasiness doesn't dissipate and it churns on Kei's stomach.

"Okay." The blonde digs his hands on the pockets of his uniform. "Let's head back?"

"Um, you can go first. I actually have to meet with Yachi first." Yamaguchi rubs his neck. 

"Goodbye, Tsukki."

And Kei just allows him to go. He turns his back on his person and feels the cherry blossoms drift and fall on his shoes. The wind is easy and the sun isn't prickly but he feels too hot. Like he's venturing into a deeper level for the damned.

Kei was already gone for too long anyway.

* * *

_ "Tsukki is special to me - the nickname, I mean. It makes me feel like I have a solid bond with you, Kei-kun. I think I'll be calling you Tsukki from now on! As long as I'll be yours and you are mine, friends till grey hairs and wrinkles, you are my Tsukki!" _

* * *

The rest of the week goes fine, smooth. Yamaguchi kept his word - he doesn't talk about his feelings with Tsukishima and he never goads any random trips to bakeries or McDonalds at a bad time. In fact, he rarely speaks to Kei about what happened. 

Yamaguchi doesn't linger to say  _ good morning, Tsukki! _ , he doesn't lag behind to say,  _ wait for me, Tsukki! _ Kei hasn't heard him say his personal nickname in awhile now. He's keeping his air quiet without longing for his best friend like the independence he's been growing.

And it's alright. They always have their distant moments. Kei doesn't invade Yamaguchi's bubble when these happen, he knows he has his own things to work with. His practices with his secret float-serves were one thing. Their awkwardness after disputes sometimes were also another.

But they always find themselves attracted to the other's presence soon no matter what. Like magnets unwilling to be separated for too long, closure was an inevitable. 

As long as Kei wants Yamaguchi and the entice of his positive presence and Yamaguchi couldn't get enough of Kei and his hilarious comebacks - they're really meant to be together for life.

So Kei just...waits. 

Even as his heart starts to yearn and his hands have been itching to touch and maybe run his hands over the freckles on his stomach, his back, his cheeks. Even when Kei is missing him now, he knows this'll pass.

They're friends, after all.

Practice was even fun. Kageyama works well with him even after the incident between them and Yachi sends him her support. The familiar ache in his muscles was a silver lining and he loves the way the slight throbbing the ball leaves on his hands. 

They're supposed to have a practice match next week. Kei looks forward to winning it with Karasuno.

It's just after the last practice game with Suga and the rest and right now, Shimizu-senpai is handing out water bottles to everyone while they take a break.

She's a bit far from Kei as of the moment as he's huddled on his own on the bench, his chest rising and falling with speed and the towel hangs loose on his neck once more - done with wiping the sweat on his skin.

Kei agrees internally with everyone's chatter. They really pulled out a winner over the last set.

Somewhere along, he hears Kiyoko silently ask Yamaguchi to give Kei the bottle she hands him. 

Kei leans his head back against the wall.

Yamaguchi saunters toward the blonde and his cowlick bounces slightly with the force. The taller boy can feel his welcomed presence before he slowly uncloses his eyes and shares a gaze with the green haired boy.

"Your water." Yamaguchi smiles friendly. 

"Thanks." Kei replies lowly as he takes the cold object from his hands and pops the cap off and drinks from it.

"You're welcome," Yamaguchi says, "Tsukishima-san."

"Everyone gather up!" Daichi announces somewhere around the gym.

Kei directs his golden stare on the glistening of the gym floor, he hears the screeching of Noya and Hinata's shoes as they jog over to their captain and the hilt of the bottle in his hand lightly hits the wood of the bench. There's no emotion that can be read in his expression.

_ As long as I am yours, you are my Tsukki! _

Kei feels….....something. And suddenly it feels like the blood inside is starting to dry up in his lungs. His hands are burnt with the tug of war for the boy he loves.

And Yamaguchi has let go on the other side. He lets Kei win the pull but Kei is too burnt from the rope to welcome the victory.

He can't describe what's going on right now inside. But it's bad. He understands it's been bad for awhile. Now….it's just….worse.

Kei knows what this means….he understands it the moment the period ends Yamaguchi's sentence.

"Tsukishima!" Tanaka scolds. "C'mon!"

Kei stands up and his feet run up to his teammates. He listens to what the captain has to say, what Coach Ukai suggests, and tunes out the bickering of the idiot duo.

He doesn't process Yamaguchi's words.

Not until it finally eats him up when it was his turn to serve. It crawls in his focus when he makes a successful block against Hinata. It's all he sees when Yamaguchi laughs with Tanaka. 

_ You know how it'll feel when he's finally gone. _

After the club is done, Tsukishima leaves to finally break down.

  
  
  
  


It's behind the building near their school, where a playground is. Kei and Yamaguchi and the rest of the first years usually pass by that building when they're going home but Kei doesn't think they're aware there's a playground behind it.

And he doesn't think that it's too close to the gym, to the school. He doesn't think if he'll get caught. He doesn't  _ think _ .

Kei can't control it, he can't keep it together any longer. 

Kei falls on his knees and cries. 

His face is a mess, his eyes are blurry, he doesn't see anything, and he keeps sobbing and his voice cracks at some point and then he can't breathe. He tries to swallow a lump before another sob rips out from his throat once more. 

His cries were pathetic and ugly to listen to but it hurts too much, it hurts, it hurts, make it stop. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry….

The tears keep coming and coming and coming and coming and coming and coming and Kei can't really see and the tears fall on the grass and Kei hugs his knees to his chest and tries to swallow his cries against the bones in his knees. But it's too loud and his glasses have already fallen from his face somewhere a long time ago.

The emptiness will never come. It'll always feel like he's on the losing end of the stick. Tsukishima is a fucking loser. Pathetic.

He can't accept himself, accept with what he can have, what he _ has _ , because he's a fucking coward because he's  _ weak _ . Because he's too scared to care so much.

He's too scared. He's scared.

Tsukishima is so scared….

He can't move on with the pain his fears, his insecurities give him and it must have set something in him psychologically. That he can't have good things. He can't have good people.

He's an asshole who can't have shit.

Kei just keeps coming apart and it's no longer exhausting. He's finally a complete wreck.

Kei grabs a stone and along with his fight, throws it away to lose itself.

Somewhere, where the tall boy can't notice, Hinata Shoyou watches with a sorry expression on his face. 

_ Tsukishima…. _ He muses.

"Hinata? What are you looking at?" Yamaguchi asks way far back.

"Oi, dumbass we're leaving without you!" Kageyama gripes with a big, adorable scowl.

"Eh? But the shop doesn't even close until eight!" Hinata quickly makes his way far away from Tsukishima so he wouldn't hear them.

Hinata's scared for Yamaguchi too.

"Anyways, fine! Leave without me! I know a better restaurant around anyway!"

"Hinata-san?"

"Ahh yeah! It's probably the one that just opened a few weeks ago! I'll tell you about it on the way, Yachi-san." Yamaguchi really was too kind for his own good.

He and the petite girl start walking off, away from the building they're about to pass. And Hinata's face finally shifts into something quiet, something empathetic.

Kageyama, of course, doesn't take the bait like the others did so easily. He hears another sound nearby, more scattered and it's eating at his curiosity so hungrily.

Just as the blue-eyed setter stares at the heart-wrenching breakdown of Tsukishima Kei alone on the playground - he feels Hinata's hand on his shoulder.

Kageyama - when turned to look, he silently agrees at the slight shake of his head. 

He needs to address it by himself. It was always their business, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. Kageyama has already done his part before. And that should've been more than enough. It was more than needed.

With a solemn look, the first years follow after the fading footsteps of Yamaguchi and Yachi.

  
  
  


(It was fun. The pastries were delicious and Kageyama fell asleep on Yamaguchi's lap, snoring and drooling like a pup. Hinata does what anyone would immediately do to help - he creates blackmail material.

"Kageyamaa…!" Yamaguchi whines, a bit sleepy himself. 

"Mwahahahaha!" Hinata is so evil, Yachi giggles at his red horns.)

  
  
  
  


It was eight at night, probably. Or half past it. Nine, even maybe. Kei doesn't check. His throat hurts when he tries to swallow and his body is limp. He languidly answers the call from his hand, "Yeah...practice got delayed. It was an emergency I couldn't get out of…..okay…..I'm close to the door now…"

He hangs up. His hand falls back on the grass.

Listlessly, like a walking corpse, Tsukishima Kei stands up. He grabs his bag and finally departs from the playground behind the building.

  
  
  
  


Everyday the sun rises and falls and the moon shines a brighter light that leaves feather-soft caresses on Kei's tall, toned figure. But the stars at night were the best. 

Every night, all alone in his mind, Kei stares at them and whispers the words he feels like speaking. _Sorry, I wasn't there. You look beautiful._ _All the time._

_ I miss you.  _

And the anger is still fresh, still catching his insides on fire. But there's a bit of solace within when the flames are directed to burn no one but yourself.

It's hard. But the moon knows what he deserves.

At practice Yamaguchi doesn't seem all that different. Actually, he keeps getting better and better. He's been practicing harder and keeps improving on himself - Kei reads it in his posture and his small, almost imperceptible looks of satisfaction effortlessly.

He knows Yamaguchi.

And he's proud. Maybe, still a bit troubled but he really deserves to be coddled and praised. He's just happy Yachi and Noya could do that for Tadashi.

Three days goes by, and then the fourth comes knocking and then the fifth comes to say goodbye.

Five days without having his person. Kei thinks the fire inside has never simmered down but it doesn't sear him as much anymore. The pain is almost a part of him, ingrained in his skin.

He's irritable, more easily than normal though - everyone notices. Just like they keep sending worried glances between him and Yamaguchi when they think they aren't looking.

But Kei likes to hurt in peace. He can't keep troubling the guy anymore. He just sends small stuff through different persons sometimes.

Yamaguchi once had trouble finding an answer in their English class the other day and he's the only one who wasn't done with the test.

We can't have that.

Kei crumples a written paper, calls for the guy across him and tilts his head in Yamaguchi's direction. His classmate's eyes flash - he's always had this secret admiration for Kei (he's so cool!) - and passes the paper around.

Yamaguchi's face breaks into a relieved smile and his head snaps a bit to look at the sender. Kei pretends to stare boredly outside the window, his back leaned lazily against his chair, fingers twirling a pen. 

He made sure he can't pick out his penmanship. Kei knows it was the shittiest scrawl he has ever used.

There were also the bottles of water he makes Yachi or Kageyama give to the green-haired boy after or during practices. He has to threaten the idiot (Kageyama, Yachi's just a nervous mess most of the time) to cut off his tutoring if he won't comply.

Small things. Kei feels too undeserving to make it any larger.

But it always  _ kills _ him - this…..Every time Yamaguchi is forced to interact. He's kind, maybe less excited. 

Always calls him Tsukishima-san.

It's like Kei can't move at all, it's just a reminder of what he has fucked up and keeps stabbing him over and over and over again. It doesn't matter if he's said it once at a breathable time.

Kei can take anything - but, just….just never that. He's asking, for anything else _. _

On the end of the fifth day - everything that needs to bleed has finally started dripping past the wound.

It was a game against each other and Yamaguchi must have pulled a muscle or his emotions were controlling his mindset again because his performance was giving him away.

He kept getting close to Kei when the ball was a bit far from him and Kei was trying to throw his misery out on the sweat on his skin and the physical burn in his body. He wasn't in the best of moods -

And then while trying to regain focus, Yamaguchi just somehow hooks a leg behind Kei's and almost falls on his ass. And Kei would've muttered something if his arms weren't quick to steady the smaller boy.

If Kei wasn't feeling a 4/10, if he didn't wake up with a migraine that day - he would've reveled in the touch and the close proximity. Yamaguchi was feeling warm under his hands and he's been looking really great nowadays, Kei thinks he's lost some weight and -

"Sorry, Tsukishima-san." Soft. Naturally soft. 

_ Tsukki? Yamaguchi smiles with an angelic smear on his chubby cheeks. _

Kei just wants to take his own idiotic heart out just so it won't keep shredding him again and again at one  _ stupid _ name.

"Mm." Was all he could have the strength to say….he feels the anger starting to raise the shackles in him. Somebody just get rid of his fucking chest. Make the blood go drier. Kei hates and blames himself.

"Nice save, by the way Tsukishima-san!"

Kei furrows his eyebrows, his eyes weren't wet but it was red.

Stop.

".............Yamaguchi-"

"Tsukishimaaaa!" Tanaka barks. "Why don't you watch where you're stepping??"

"Ahhh, it was my bad, Tanaka-senpai!" Yamaguchi slowly breaks himself from Kei's hold. He doesn't even want to be near him any longer….

"Tsukishi-"

_ Stop it! Just fucking  _ **_stop_ ** _! _

"I  _ get  _ it, Yamaguchi! I fucking get it so just don't fucking fall on your knees again, don't keep coming so close to me. Watch the goddamn ball-" Kei has Yamaguchi by the collar and golden eyes are now going blacker and redder.

"Tsukishima calm down!" 

Yamaguchi just looks at him, a bit wary and trying to be careful under his grip. "Gomen, Tsukishi-"

"Just stop! Stop fucking saying it like that. I'm not some needy dumbass who needs to hear it from you, just get lost if you can't help yourself. Just don't go even close to me the next fucking time, alright!? Keep your eyes on the goddamn ball  _ all the fucking time-" _

Yamaguchi's eyes were growing harder and harder. The gym was dead silent with the stars.

"Watch where you step! Don't just think of anything else while the match is  _ going on _ . It's just the team, it's just Daichi and Suga and Hinata and Asahi, what's there to go clumsy over for!? What's there to keep getting close to me for when the ball wasn't even close to me-"

"Tsukishima…." Yachi murmurs sadly.

" _ I get it. I fucking get all of it so watch your goddamn mind and stop daydreaming-" _

Yamaguchi smacks Kei's fist away from him and with a deep, stern frown grabs his hand and drags Kei away from the rest, away from the gym. "Let's talk about this,  _ Tsukishima Kei _ ."

And Kei, he was less than surprised and more full of it, full of himself and the situation and just let the smaller boy take him away. Lets and lets and lets under all that misery and longing. The moon can't function without the shining of the stars - even if they were shining with tears.

The blonde eventually finds himself standing in front of Tadashi, the light the streetlight has offered illuminates the hardened expression on his still beautiful face, the softness of the slight bump on his cheeks. And Kei's heart starts running away from him again, bruised and still so in love. 

Kei doesn't apologise.

And he is ready. He's ready to hear Yamaguchi tell him he's too much, too exhausting, that he's had enough and couldn't even be civil with him anymore. He's ready.

But goddamn it, he's also ready to fight for him too. Kei doesn't apologise-

-without falling on his knees and ready to beg for forgiveness. H-

Yamaguchi slowly wraps his arms around Tsukishima's trembling body and silently rests his head on his shoulder. His hold is gentle around his waist but it's a breath of fresh air to the lungs and when Yamaguchi eventually starts rubbing his thumb over the tiredness of his back-

Kei's eyes widen, his body too exhausted to fight against the comfort, the relief and instead slowly melts onto him. He realises too late his heart is already doing the crying for his eyes, been crying ever since it wants what it shamefully can't have.

".....I know. 

"Kei, I know.

"You're tired. You're angry. I know you're terrified too." Yamaguchi's voice was a tender caress on the tears from the inside of his chest. It's quiet, his voice, but firm on where it stands. "You've been so for awhile. Stop hurting yourself for something you can't have control over. Tsukki-"

Kei swallows the sob that's tightening his throat.

"-you can be angry. You can be tired. You can let your worst out in front of me." He feels the small, wistful smile pressing on his shoulder from the boy he will always be head over heels for. "Tsukki, it's just me."

"............why?" His voice - 

It couldn't have been any smaller. All the bitterness, the raised shackles, the need for aggression - it dissipates. 

He's just hurt and insecure.

But Tadashi understands. He knows Tsukishima too well, too easily. He understands the insecurity behind such a simple word. Tadashi's voice is still stern, honest to a fault. "I  _ am _ angry - don't be too presumptuous. I'm angry that you let your fears get the best of you. I'm angry that you pushed me away for being who I am, for falling in love with you. I'm still angry that you humiliated me in front of the team just because I tried getting closer to you because you didn't realise I miss you. Tsukki _ , I'm angry _ ."

Slowly, Tadashi lifts his rest on Kei's shoulder to let the look of pure understanding and grounding affection in his dark eyes be seen with two golden stares. "But I still love you too. I know that you're miserable and I know now that the weight is finally too much. I know that you're at your worst tonight and....I'm your best friend. I will always be before anything else and if I understood you, Tsukki, better than anyone else all our lives and have never turned my back on your rock bottoms, how could I start now?"

His cheeks are wet and there's a shattered expression on his face, just as how shattered he is ever since Yamaguchi was gone. "I lost you."

"You did but it was temporary. Didn't I say I'm angry at you for pushing me away for being gay? Tsukki who wouldn't get angry over that? I needed space. I needed time to stop hurting and being mad. I needed consolement. I have the right to. You...you really hurt me..."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. Tsukki, I know you are. But let me remind you I'm human and I have feelings I can't get rid of. I'm not perfect. And let me remind  _ you  _ again, Tsukishima Kei, that if I'm human, you're not any less yourself. You're not perfect. You make mistakes just as I do. You have emotions, you have weaknesses and flaws that will take a long time to correct, if ever. It's normal to get angry. It's normal to not feel okay. That's just the way it is. Honestly you don't think you're  _ that  _ great all the time, did you?"

Kei gathers the small, growing relief he has and allows himself to bump his nose against Yamaguchi's and let the little ease creep in from the reaction he got. A small blush creeps itself in Yamaguchi's cheeks after scrunching his nose.

"Don't be so hard on yourself." He's so sincere, genuinely worried for him. But Kei notices then how he scoffs playfully. "Ha, actually now that we're on this topic, you are far from perfect. You're handsome and really know how to take care of me but so what? Don't give me that look. Are you me? I don't think so. You don't know both the little and big things you have done that have helped me and left me feeling really warm for more than four years. Who also cares that you are great at everything except with words and feelings and how you make up with it with how you cherish and treasure those you really can't live without? I don't care about that though. Nope.

"Honestly, why do I even like you? Hmp! I should have my brain checked."

"..Like? I thought you loved me."

Tadashi raised an eyebrow. "Oh so now you have the audacity to make fun of me?"

All this heavy weight that keeps falling harder and harder on his shoulders every night, and on his eyes every sunrise - it somehow slowly feels like it's being easing off of him. Weight shared by the hands that reminded him of having been there every time this burden of Atlas fell on his broken down body.

"Accept yourself." Tadashi slowly cards his fingers through the soft edges of Tsukishima's right side of blonde tresses. "I'm not saying to do it now because it's never that easy. But I will be with you every step of the way. There's really nothing to be scared of, not when it's about me, okay? It's me Tsukki. You should know there's no losing me completely."

And there's a small silence that makes a sound and still for the first time in what felt like a long time - it didn't strangle the air on his choking lungs. It feels safe, like a warm cushion he has the freedom to finally lay on.

Kei welcomes the small, ginger smile that slips on his face. "I love you."

"......I know. For awhile now." Tadashi beams too but it's so much brighter and so, so beautiful on him. "But love yourself too, okay?"

"It's hard."

"It is but try. You're imperfect but still amazing. How could you not see that? A lot of people admire you.  _ I  _ love you."

Kei bites his lip, his hands fall on Tadashi's slender waist.

"Also, Tsukki?"

"....mm?"

Yamaguchi unhooks both arms from Tsukishima's neck - the blonde's own arms unwillingly slipping from his slim waist - just to  _ punch _ him in the bicep. He withholds nothing back but the justice this colossal jerk deserved. "That's for trying to beat me up earlier."

Feeling the blood rushing beneath the skin on his aching limb, Tsukishima Kei finds it easy to laugh genuinely. 

Tadashi smiles too, especially when his best friend says so casually, "Actually I deserved that."

"Damn right. When we eventually get together, a toxic relationship isn't going to be our beginning."

"Oh?" Kei smirks.

"Yeah!" Tadashi pouts even as he raises his chin at the stupidly tall blonde. "You're going to accept that you love me and want me way too much to not want to be my boyfriend."

Tsukki lets out a content chuckle, fingers running a green strand behind Tadashi's ear. "I think I already am."

"One step at a time." 

"One step at a time." 

  
  
  


~

_ Epilogue _

_ ~ _

  
  
  


Tsukishima felt how his bones seemed to have melted inside his skin despite the defiant sprinting of his heart. He collapses next to the man beside him, bare and exhausted on the mattress. It feels good.

"Tsukki…." The naked man beside him immediately comes to nestle close to him despite the listlessness he feels. Kei smiles and nuzzles into his hairline. 

"That's not what you called me earlier-"

Tadashi smacks him in the chest. "Shut up."

Kei chuckles deep from his chest, his hand already running over his husband's back, the wedding ring on his finger shining under the casting moonlight coming from the window. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"So much."

"....so much." Tadashi buries his face on Kei's chest, pink coloring his cheeks. He's shy despite already being happily married for three years and together for eight. But he's so, so satisfied too.

They really have come so far. And they're still going steadfast and content, the world barely anymore dreary and heavy.

Tomorrow - tomorrow would be better. A new member to the Tsukishima family will remind them just how happier they can get.

Tsukki has a way of making people love him after all. Their little bundle of joy will discover how fast that'll be the day he'll be in the arms of his father.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Wake up? Yeah. Fluff? Maybe. I need angst, nah. Tsukkiyama, been good lately. (proceeds to sing the rest of Love to Hate Me by BP in offtune.)


End file.
